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RufusTFirefly
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Name: Rufus
Gender: Male
Interests: Eating crackers and peanuts, playing jacks, flirting, and oh yes, being president is fun too.
Expertise: Politics
Occupation: Government
Industry: Government
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/11/2004
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| A few minutes later I heard the phone ringing, and turned around just as Chicolini the peanut vender appeared. I saw him dash towards the phone, so I did too. He beat me.
"Hello? No, no. He's not in. All right, I tell him. Goodbye."
"That was for you," he said, turning to me.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm not in. I wanted to have a long talk with you. Now listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions: Now, what is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia and it never rains but it pours?"
This was too good - I knew I'd certainly baffled that poor little Italian out of his brain.
"That's-a good one," said Chicolini. "I give you three guesses."
"Now, let me see. Has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia... is it male or female?"
"No, I don't think so," he said.
"Is he dead?"
"Who?"
"I don't know," said I. "I give up."
"I give up too," said Chicolini. "Now, I ask-a you another one. What is it got big black-a moustache, smokes a big black cigar, and is a big pain in the neck?"
"Now, don't tell me. Has a big black moustache, smokes a big black cigar and is a big pain in the... wait, does he wear glasses?"
"Atsa right," said Chicolini, with a cute smirk on his face. "You guess it quick."
"Just for that you don't get the job I was gonna give you!"
"What job?"
"Secretary of War."
"All right, I'll take it."
"Sold!"
We shook hands. And it only got worse from there.
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| I heard the noise coming from my open window after the Freedonia Chamber of Deputies had finally all dispersed.
"Peanuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts!"
I'm telling you, whoever this noise was emulating from must have just graduated from annoyance school that very morning. So I went right over to the window to put a stop to it.
"Hey!" I said. It was the peanut vender, of all people. He threw me a bag of peanuts. "Do you want to be a public nuisance?" I asked him as I munched on them.
"Sure," he replied. "How much does the job pay?"
"I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Peanuuuuuuuuuuuts...to you." He said.
"Have you got a license?" I asked him.
"License?" he responded. "No, but a-my dog - he's got a-millions of 'em. Believe me, he's some smart dog. You know he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole."
"I'll bet the dog got to the pole first." I said.
"You win."
"Come on up here," I told him, "I want to scare the Cabinet."
And so he did....biggest mistake I ever made.
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| I was having a wonderful time playing jacks. In fact, I had the best game of my life going, until I accidently sent the ball flying across the room and then decided to send the rest of the jacks after it.
Finally, I decided I had better pay attention to the Freedonia Chamber of Deputies who were gathered around the table in front of me. I was first handed the Treasury Department's report - "I hope you'll find it clear," the man said.
"Clear?!" I replied. "Why a four-year-old child could understand this report." Turning to Bob Roland (my secretary) I said, "Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it."
Turning once again to the gathered officials, I said, "And now members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business."
The Minister of Defense stood up at once: "I wish to discuss the tariff."
"Sit down," I told him, "that's new business. No old business? Very well. Then, we'll take up new business."
"Now about that tariff..."
"Too late," I said, "that's old business already. Sit down."
The Secretary of War then stood up, and I chided him for being out of order. Which reminded me that the plumbing was also out of order, so I told Bob to make a note of that too.
And then the Minister of Labor stood up. Can't these people just leave me alone?
"The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours."
"Very well, we'll give them shorter hours," I told him. "We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to twenty minutes. And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer."
"But you appointed one last week!"
"That's the one I'm looking for."
Then the Secretary of War took his turn, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?"
I didn't want to deal with that. "How about taking up the carpet?"
"I still insist we must take up the tax!"
Turning to Bob I said, "He's right. You've got to take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet."
But the Secretary of War wasn't finished: "I give all my time and energy to my duties and what do I get?"
"You get awfully tiresome after a while," I informed him.
"Sir, you try my patience!"
"I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine sometime."
"That's the last straw. I resign! I wash my hands of the whole business!"
As he left I called out, "that's a good idea. You can wash your neck too."
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| So, during the emotional high of my little song, I, for some reason, decided to roll my pants up to my knees, and by the time I was done singing, I was standing like this between two guards. My, what a nice song.
And who should approach me afterwards but - you guessed it - Mrs. Teasdale.
"Your majesty," she told me, "you have an appointment at the House of Representatives. Good heavens! You can't go with your trousers up!"
"Oh yeah?" I replied. "Well you'll never catch me any other way!" Turning to the trumpeters: "His excellency's car!"
This call was repeated several times until my chauffeur arrived in a motorcycle, with my little sidecar on the side of it. This chauffeur, he was a strange one. Red, curly hair, sticking out from a black top hat. He wore a tattered old raincoat with huge pockets, a belt above his pants, and suspenders that didn't meet the pants in front. Not only that, but he had a large black car horn in his belt which, I later learned, he would often make use of even when not riding in an automobile. He was quite a character.
But I had no time for that - I told him I had an urgent appointment, and continued, "Ride like fury! If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mable!" He stepped on it - and the motorcycle roared off, leaving me sitting there in my little sidecar, all alone. So, without further to do, I climbed out and walked back up the stairs. "Well, it certainly feels good to be back again," I told the guards.
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| "...for our information - tell us how you intend to rule the nation," sang Mrs. Teasdale. Okay, time for a song. I did my best to oblige the assembly:
"These are the laws of my administration:
No one's allowed to smoke
Or tell a dirty joke
And whistling is forbidden...
If chewing gum is chewed
The chewer is pursued.
And in the hoosegow hidden...
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be prohibited.
I'll put my foot down, so shall it be.
This is the land of the free.
The last man nearly ruined this place
He didn't know what to do with it
If you think this country's bad off now
Just wait 'til I get through with it
The country's taxes must be fixed
And I know what to do with it
If you think you're paying too much now
Just wait 'til I get through with it...
I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair
I'm strictly on the up and up
So everyone beware
If anyone's caught taking graft
And I don't get my share
We stand 'em up against the wall
And pop goes the weasel.
If any man should come between her husband and his bride
We find out which one she prefers
By letting her decide
If she prefers the other man
The husband steps outside
We stand 'em up against the wall
And pop goes the weasel.
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